Monday, May 15, 2006
11:00 AM
Just a warning to my non-christian/catholic frens: u might disagree with what i say here.Going for the camp made me reflect more deeply and in the process, i learnt a lot more about myself... at least that's what i think. It didn't get me on an emotional high like the previous camps, coz the focus wasn't on PnW. I didn't get to hear God talking to me though i tried be as quite as possible (but i guess it's okay, coz it doesn't just suddenly happen, Spiritual growth is gradual and i'll need to have more personal time with God for that to happen). It wasn't exactly a silent retreat in the end, coz we were still allowed to talk and mingle around on the 1st day. Anyways, my bunk mates and I were talking crap and made so much noise at night that it sorta distracted some people. I thought i pissed them off so i decided to really try and be silent-at least during the sessions.
The sessions were good, in a way that they made me appreciate myself and how i was 'moulded by God'. I was always never satisfied with myself. I wished i was better, smarter, more confident, etc. I had so many insecurities and negative thoughts within me. But I failed to realise that God is my creator and so, he would love me as I am; imperfections and all. No 2 persons are the same. Put together our personalities, feelings, appearances and experiences and you'll realise that. All of us are unique in our own ways. I am unique. And for that, i am contented.
I especially liked the "calling by name" reflection, i felt the verse was really relevant and it was very personalized.
We watched a movie too. (Heh, it was kinda boring at 1st and i dozed off a few times initally) It showed how very human Jesus can be and it displayed his playful side too, how he bonded with his disciples. I've forgotten that Jesus is human and like us, he can be prone to temptations too; but if he was able to overcome it, why can't I? I should at least try. It also proves how much he loves us, knowing that he had to suffer and die and yet he still followed through with God's plan for him. As humans, we all are afraid of death and suffering and he too i guess. That is why I'm going to try to be a better person. I asked for self-control because sometimes i tend to do things without thinking through it 1st. And end up hurting people in the process. So I'll try to have more control over my anger and to be more mindful of others.
It's really amazing how much this camp revealed more personal discoveries to me. How i realised something about myself through a good friend ( i only realised that after re-thinking what she said). I broke down and cried during a normal gathering for apparently no reason, but maybe it's coz i was thinking too much. It was so bad that i was still sniffling and hiccuping uncontrollably after i've stopped crying. Somehow, i think God wanted me to release all the anger, frustrations and hurt that i've felt during the past few months. Seriously, i haven't cried like this for years and felt so much pain while doing so, even for the previous YES camps. It's like all the emotions that i've kept under-wraps finally surfaced- and i couldn't control it.
It took me a while to really feel peace; that only came to me after the camp. A strong sense of calm washed over me and with it-the desire to be like Christ and to serve God with all my being. I hope this feeling lasts forever, cause words can't describe such a wonderful feeling. It did come with a sense of fear too-that I wouldn't be able to fufill it and fail terribly. Then this thought came to me: I shouldn't worry about that, as God will be there to guide me. I just have to say the word and he'll take over from there.
"I am not my own, you are in control."It may sound scary, but like this excerpt from a song says, if i really want to spread the love of God to others, I have to surrender and let the spirit lead. I wouldn't be able to do it alone.
Also, i can't feel silly and regretful for some of the impulsive decisions i made in the past. Yes, they were mistakes, but they are meant to be made anyways, get what i mean? It's from there that we learn and grow. I'm grateful for each and every experience and i wouldn't be the person i am today if not for them.
This doesn't mean that i'm free of worries though. I'm still worried about my A's and entrance to Poly. Only this time, i'll share some of these worries with Him and i'll try, bit by bit, to entrust them to Him.
Sorry if this post is boring, but i really wanted to share my experience of the camp and 'spread the love of christ to others' :)
